I grew up with loving parents in a mostly stable home. My parents were loving and wanted the best for me. It wasn’t until I was much older that I understood the extents that my parents went to hold their fights until I was in bed or out playing. I also didn’t know the level of anger and resentment that they shared towards each other.
My mother, while Emily Post on the outside, was insecure and overbearing, much as her mother had been. She has difficulty with compromise, and thinks she must protect people from themselves. My father was busy running his company, and was often away at work, even when he was home. I was in my twenties before I really knew who he was. These are the two elements that influenced me the most when I was growing up. I learned to stay distant from people, especially those who professed love, and I became fiercely independent.
My sexual life began somewhat unexpectedly and quite awkwardly at 15. There was an older girl that I had known for a while (I was friends with her little brother) that ended up on my lap at a party. I was too young and stupid to understand, but she had some serious self esteem problems and used sex as some sort of escape/drug. At that age, I lacked the self control to say “we’re drunk, and it’s not a good idea” so I lost my virginity to someone that I hardly knew in an event that I have never looked back on fondly. Maybe it was because of this that I started looking for something of substance in the future.
I had girlfriends in high school, but nothing serious and no real sex. In college I dated one girl for a semester, then met someone who would change my life. She was exciting, exotic, and had no shame in discussing her sexuality or her kinks. I was 19, and she showed me what BDSM could give me that I had been unconsciously seeking. We never really formally dated, but we spent hours exploring what turned us on. I can trace my knowledge of D/s to then, but I think the seeds were planted at a far younger age by watching my parents. I think the cold war there fostered some need for absolute love in my ideal home. Said exotic woman and I did not keep in contact after that year as she moved on to grad school. It’s the first time that I really understood how much you could miss someone when they’re gone.
I met my first wife not too long after. We did not like each other at first, but came to be friends and eventually lovers. We moved in together and not long after began our own exploration. She was the most submissive person I have ever met. She liked service and rough sex, two of my biggest kinks. I thought that was her personality, but over time I understood that it was conditioned upon her by years of abusive relationships. We spent six years of wedded bliss unconsciously living in a D/s home. We experimented with all sorts of BDSM elements, some successful, some not so much. We spent a lot of time exploring her masochism, and I learned that I’m very good at playing sadist, but my heart’s not in it. Eventually normal life began to take its toll on the marriage. We laughed less, and sex became more about fucking than love. Faced with careers on opposite sides of the country, she decided it wasn’t worth trying to make it work. Looking back I’m glad she did, because it made it easier for me to divorce her.
After the divorce I spent some time playing without any real commitment, and while I enjoyed scenes, I never found the emotional element that made it so pleasurable in the past. This detachment did allow me to explore some kinks as an observer or as a limited participant with others.
I’ve decided to make this two parts because the history bit is over and I’m about to go down the rabbit hole…